


Tender Aching in Empty Flesh

by c_curculio



Category: Half-Life, freeman's mind
Genre: Angst, Denial of Feelings, Ficlet, Freeman's Mind - Freeform, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Mid-Canon, Pining, Pre-Relationship, buttermind - Freeform, freehoun - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:40:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28486230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/c_curculio/pseuds/c_curculio
Summary: Gordon takes a coffee break and uses that moment of respite to try and process things.
Relationships: Barney Calhoun/Gordon Freeman
Comments: 8
Kudos: 40





	Tender Aching in Empty Flesh

**Author's Note:**

> Happy 2021 everyone! Shoutout to my best friend for getting me caught up in this hell hole that is buttermind. fuck you liam i love you

If asked, he would have said that the thought didn’t even occur to him until he took a break, sipping shitty coffee from a tiny foam cup (pretending not to taste other people’s blood as it dripped off of his face- they were nameless, nobodies for all he cared) and staring at the corpses slumped over across the room from him. Who would have bothered asking it, though? These idiots were all dying left and right and leaving the path open for him to step up with borrowed weapons and borrowed armor, blazing through the aliens like a one-man army. 

What if he was the only one who made it out? The thought sat heavy in his skull, and Gordon took another sip of coffee, hoping the scalding liquid would flush it out. It left his tongue aching with the tingling of a burn setting in, and the thought gouged its way deeper. He didn't really care. He definitely wasn’t worried about anyone else. He definitely _definitely_ wasn’t worried about whether or not anyone else could hold their own against the horde, and if anyone insinuated that he was worried about anyone in particular, he’d just shoot them. He nodded to himself as if that were perfectly reasonable. 

Still, it lingered. The last time he had seen Barney was on his way to work just a few hours before, catching a glimpse of a middle finger directed his way before the tram turned a corner and continued shuttling him to his fate. He’d been inebriated from his usual “two shots” of vodka for breakfast (APPARENTLY his definition of a “shot” when it came to alcohol was different from everyone else’s). Would he have made it this far without his alcohol-driven rage? Should he have been worried about him before now? If he had been able to think, would he have gone looking for him? He was still somewhat under the influence, thank goodness, otherwise the weight of guilt might have set in before he’d made it here, to a quiet moment of respite. 

Barney was tough as shit, sure, but the man was also a big softie. Would he be able to handle himself? Gordon hadn’t looked too closely at any of the corpses he’d passed. Were any of them his (he didn't _need_ friends, and in any case, he certainly wasn't a friend. He was just the only one who could tolerate his bullshit) coworker? If they were, was he too slow to save them now? He gritted his teeth. _I need to go back. I need to find-_

“Shut UP you fucking idiot!” Gordon threw the cup as hard as he could. Most of the coffee splashed on his HEV suit, and what was left made a pathetic little puddle a few feet away, where the cup had landed. Styrofoam cups weren’t known for being aerodynamic, after all, and he cursed louder. “What the hell is wrong with you? I’m going to the surface and I’m gonna get the hell out of here. If anyone wants to come they have to drag their own asses along. I’m not stopping for anyone.” He paused, and nobody replied, save for the near-silent scratching of roaches in the walls and the distant sounds of gunfire and alien groans. 

Would Barney stop for him? Hell no. If they were in that situation, (he’d want Barney to run, run far away and out of this nightmare, to run to safety, even if it meant leaving him here-) he’d shoot Barney if he tried to leave without him, and then he'd take his ammo. 

Gordon Freeman raked his bloody fingers across his face with a groan of frustration. "I need a drink," he mumbled, and heaved himself up to get a new cup of coffee.

**Author's Note:**

> Be sure to check me out on [Tumblr](https://c-curculio.tumblr.com/) and [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/c.curculio/)!


End file.
